[SCENE: Study. ARTSUBI enters to find WRITERSUBI kneeling before the PC, which he has decorated with candles.] ArtSubi: What the hell are you doing? WriterSubi: Shhh! I'm praying! ArtSubi: Praying?! And what's that smell? Have you been smoking funny fags again? WriterSubi: It's incense. I am beseeching the great god of fanfiction C&C to give me some feedback on Republic of Desire. I can't under- stand why I didn't hear one single thing from ANYBODY. ArtSubi: You didn't get any C&C because RoD#1 was 24K of total unmitigated horseshit that had almost bug-all to do with anime. I'm surprised John Biles didn't come round and execute you on the spot for that one. WriterSubi: "Considerable leeway will be given in the definition of just what constitutes an 'anime' style." ArtSubi: Don't quote the FAQ at me. WriterSubi: It's all right for you. All _you_ have to do is draw pictures of anime babes from an earthworm's perspective to get attention. ArtSubi: Just giving the fanboys what they want. WriterSubi: Maybe I should try that... time for another Five Minute Theatre production I think. ArtSubi: I was thinking more involuntary euthanasia, myself... . . . %%%%% % % .=%%%%%=. =%/' % '\%= - -- --- .%%' % % '%%. ------------------------------------- -- - ___ %% ___ % % %% ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ __ ___ |__ |\ %/|__ %|\/|||\%|| | | |__ | |__||__ /\ | |__)|__ | | \/%|___ | |||%\||_/| | |___ | | ||___/--\ | | \|___ %% %% - -- --- '%% %%' ---------- P R E S E N T S - =%\. ./%= ^=%%%%%=^ ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Burn-Up W belongs to AIC/MRC, and they HAVEN'T said I can do this. Be nice and don't tell them. Cheers! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Newscaster: Well, the International peace conference'll have good weather tomorrow. Shame they'll be staying indoors all day. Nice hotel though, and they'll have a _great_ view of the bridge. Virtual Drug Syndicate Boss: Say kids, what time is it? Hotel Staff: It's time for gas! *CHOKE* We wondered why she was wearing a respirator. VDS Boss: Okay boys, go strut your funky stuff. Falcon Claw: YEAH! VDS Boss: What a bunch of morons... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 5 MINUTE THEATRE PRESENTS : BURN-UP W File 0.1: Skin Dive Original screenplay: Katsuhiko Kochiba & Sumio Uetake Parody: Subi ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Maki: Sorry, Rio gets to be the heroine by dint of the sheer unspeakable ridiculousness of her hairstyle. Maya: Aw. Rio: It's not fair! _I_ should get to take on these terrorists! Oh well, guess I'd better go attack that mound of paperwork on my desk. With a nightstick. *THWACK* Oh, hi Yuji. Yuji: (spitting teeth) If you didn't have such an awesome set of bazoongies I might take offence at that little assault. Rio: Sorry. I'm just pissed off that _I_ don't get to kick secessionist butt. Yuji: Hey, it's a big police force y'know. You can't expect to get _every_ cool job just because of your fine upper frontal superstructure. Rio: But I look so _good_ in a skin-tight combat suit! Yuji: How were you going to make confetti out of those papers with a nightstick that's as blunt as your attitude, anyway? Rio: So I'm brash and impulsive. Sue me. It turns the viewers on. Falcon Claw: Nyah-nyah-n-nyah-nayh! Yo-ou ca-an't ge-et uuus! Police Chief: Terrorists suck. Rio: Speaking of sucking, Yuji, if you do all my paperwork, I _might_ be your girlfriend. Yuji: I know you're just using me, but the fact that you're stacked like the Himalayas is clouding my judgement. And speaking of stacked... Maya: I'm a great sniper, my jigglers are so big I could lie down on broken glass and not feel a thing. Damn, I want to shoot someone! I bet that fat guy's head would explode _so_ well... Rio: Whoa girl, hold it down. Have a lolly. Maya: Good idea. *OWMMF* *SLURP* Oooh... that tastes niiice. It's so _long_ and _thick_... It feels _great_ against my large... full... rounded... mmm! Maybe I should move it a little _lower_... yeah... oh baby... that feels _goooood_. Even lower and I could just... slip it... GAK! What am I doing?! There could be kids watching this! Yuji: Yeah, and _that_ is why they're watching. Certificate 12 my butt. Subi: Er, 'scuse me. Just got to find a tissue... Rio: You finished? You missed the terrorist's demands. And thoroughly stupid they were too. _I'd've_ told SquareSoft to _stop_ using the word "Final" in _their_ games. Yuji: Has to be said I'm looking forward to the bungee jump though. *THWACK* OW! Wonder what they're really up to? VDS Boss: Okay heads of state, time to stop using your national debts as a bar tab and jack in. Politician: Whoa! Hey, this is better than Laserquest! Maki: Okay team, we get to kick butt now. But why did it take me so long to type in the word "WARRIOR"? Lilica: Hang on, just got to finish this game of Chu-Chu Rocket. (sings) Chu-Chu Rock-et, let's save the mice! Chu-Chu Rock-et, the cat is scary! Maya: Can I shoot someone now? Rio: Even though I'm leaving the office on official police business I'm _still_ going to torment my boss with the thought of getting his hands on my whoa mammas. Rio's Boss: Your love bubbles are telling me to let you go... Subi: Shit. Need another tissue. Aw, she only needs to drop fudge. What a cop-out. And this is supposed to be sexy?! I'm not into coprophilia! Maki: Does COProphilia mean a sexual dependence on policewomen in short skirts? If so, we'll be making it up to you. Right, team, in the interests of light entertainment, we're going to accept their demands. Lilica: The Draqemon game? Maki: We haven't heard yet. Rio: The surfers? Maki: We'll have to go and ask. Yuji: Yumi Kawai bungee jumping naked? Maki: She said absolutely, completely, utterly, definitely, thoroughly, entirely, wholly, unconditionally... Yuji: YES! Maki: ...not. Yuji: Bugger. Maya: Can I shoot someone now? Maki: No. But keep flashing your casabas like that, it helps the ratings. You know, I can't help thinking that there's something more to this... Politician: WOOHOO! Eat my rocket fat boy! ARRGH! Hey! No fair! CAMPER! VDS Boss: Gotta love Quake 3 Arena. Henchman: Why _are_ we wearing sunglasses inside? Falcon Claw: You've had your hour, give us what we want! Police Chief: Terrorists _still_ suck. But here you go. Falcon Claw: Hey, they're making fun of us! Well, Yumi better be in that helicopter, or... Yuji: We couldn't get Yumi, she's got a cold from the last nude bungee jump she did for Cinemax. But here's the next best thing. Rio: Yuji! Don't take this helicopter too high or my cherry-topped sundaes are going to explode! Yuji: Can they cope with the pressure change when you jump? And I hope you've considered the risk of whiplash injury to your zeppelins. Speaking of airships, lucky I can fly a helicopter, isn't it? Rio: Just peachy. Bloody _hell_ it's cold up here. I'm getting really... pert. Maya: Enough with the gratuitous breast euphemisms. Just _jump_ willya?! Rio: Okay. *LEAP* YAAAAAH! There goes the towel. Yuji: Hey, _all_ anime male leads keep a video camera on them in case something like this happens. Just ask Kensuke Aida. Phwoooar... Falcon Claw: I would see what it says on the monitor, but I can't get within three feet of it. Another Falcon Claw: Yeah, something's come up. Yet Another Falcon Claw: I feel like singing "I'm Jake the Peg". The Other Falcon Claw: Hang on, do you remember Yumi's front bumpers being quite _that_ big? Rio: Haha! Fooled you! It's really a skin-tight combat suit! Although why it can turn transparent is beyond me. And just _where_ was I hiding this gun and visor? Don't nobody tell _that_ old joke either. Yuji: Never crossed my mind. Maya: Can I shoot someone now? Rio: Go for it. Maya: *BANG* Yes! Aaah... If I get another hormone rush like that I'm gonna start growing facial hair. Or maybe I'll open a gun shop with a teenage ex-prostitute. *BANGBANGBANGBANG* Rio: Don't move! Oh, you did. *PICHOWPICHOWPICHOWPICHOW* _Now_ try it. Bah, this non-lethal weaponry sucks. Maya: Is that it?! Rio: Yep. Yuji, is that a video camera? *THWACK* Yuji: You may be the heroine, you may be cutely brash and impulsive, you may even have the finest sweaterful that I've ever seen, but if there's one thing you've still got to learn it's "never knock out the guy who's flying the helicopter". Rio: AAAH! Nice sunset though. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Subi [24/01/00] subi@mono211.com http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/4834/ [end]